Let’s define some terms we’ll be using throughout this book.
Perfect intimacy: This refers to the pre-fallen relationship Adam and Eve shared. Naked and unashamed, they joined sexually and relationally with the fullest of pleasure, without hesitation or a hint of self-doubt.
Real intimacy: This is the sexual and relational intimacy two spouses share within their committed, loving marriage. Self-doubts exist, but the couple communicates together and enjoys each other relationally and sexually. Given the reality of a world of imperfect relationships, both partners face disappointments. Within the enjoyment of real intimacy, both partners experience fear of being exposed, fear of abandonment, fear of loss of control, and fear of their respective sexual desires. In their sexual expression, both are dependent on and open to what the other spouse will do.
False intimacy: This is essentially a self-created illusion to help a person avoid the pain inherent in real intimacy. False intimacy can be as slight as a husband who looks at his wife and imagines her having lovely, long brown hair. Something much deeper is reflected in his imagination. Expressed simply, he desires more than he has and demonstrates that he senses something is missing. False intimacy is always present in sexual addiction.
Here is a complete continuum of intimacy and dysfunction:
For the addicts or dysfunctional sides of the spectrum, their location on the continuum defines varying levels of sexual interest, sexual activity, and deviation from real intimacy. But regardless of where they fall along the progression, their goals are the same. Each wants to avoid the pain of real intimacy and obtain a sense of relational satisfaction—even if it’s counterfeit—through false intimacy. Their motives are strong and rarely analyzed, which can lead to extreme behavior, many risks, and destructive consequences. How irrational and out of control can a person. Many of which are borderline life ruining on the obsessive side. The purpose? Intensified orgasm. The consequences of misjudgment? Death.
we must not assume that sexual addiction is an attempt to find real intimacy nor should be assume it’s their as an evil sin that deserved to be shamed, maimed or killed . In actuality, it’s an avoidance of the pain often caused by real intimacy. The addiction is ultra protection mode. In effect, a sex addict creates a pseudo relationship with something or someone who can be controlled, such as a picture, an actor on the video screen, or a prostitute. Once we understand that the primary goal of sexually addictive behavior is to avoid relational pain—essentially, to control life—we can begin to uncover the core problem. Sexual addiction occurs when individuals reach a level of sexual activity that they feel they can no longer control. As addicts become obsessed with sex, they are in danger of deeply misusing it, and at some point they lose control over their sexual behavior while trying to gain control over relational pain.
As we look at the core issues of sexual addiction, the similarity between the sex addict and the person who uses sex to relieve stress or who withdraws when his spouse isn’t interested in having sexual relations is striking. Placed in that situation, some of us may pout; others may masturbate, move away from relationships, read pornography during out-of-town trips, or rent X-rated movies in hotel rooms. Regardless of whether these behaviors in and of themselves can be excused as harmless, they are still the result of a desire to use false intimacy to meet certain internal goals—often the same goals as those of the sex addict!
Internally, each of us is committed to avoiding relational pain. In the right context, this desire to avoid pain is actually a healthy response. But as we diverge from real intimacy, our commitment to avoid being hurt may lead us into the destructive, out-of-control behaviors that help define sexual addiction. As we pursue the goal of constructing our own reality through the illusion of false intimacy, the further we move from the reality in which God has placed us and calls us to live, the more we create our own “insanity.”
And the more we embrace what is false, the less we care about what is good and loving—and the more we are captive to the desire to create a sense of control over our circumstances. But no matter how far we move from what is real, we can’t escape who we are, who God is, and the reality of other people. The sex addict believes that escape from reality is essential, yet recognizes on another level that such an escape is only temporary. Thus the sex addict faces torment of the soul, guilt, and shame.
C. S. Lewis wrote, “The process of living seems to consist in coming to realize truths so ancient and simple that, if stated, they sound like barren platitudes.”[1] At the risk of offering a barren platitude, I suggest that sexual addiction primarily stems from the sinfulness of the human heart and a reluctance to be in a passionate, dependent relationship with God.
The key point to recognize here is that sexual addiction isn’t just an issue of sex or even of external behavior: It’s a byproduct of loneliness, pain, the self-centered demand to be loved and accepted regardless of the consequences, and a loss of vital relationship with God.
Ralph shamefully described his patterns of chronic masturbation and sexual fantasies to a counselor. He then added, his voice grating with pain, “All I wanted was to be held in someone’s strong, loving arms.” He longed for intimacy and chose to act in specific ways to get some semblance of what he craved. Sexual addiction is a byproduct of intense, unmet needs, coupled with the demand for fulfillment and control of relational pain independent of God. These needs and demands set up the internal and external dynamics of sexual addiction.
Internally, a sexually addicted person demands that life provide an illusion of reassurance and predictability by getting rationalized, self-centered physiological and relational relief and revenge from the intensity of relational pain and shame by avoiding intimacy.
The illusion of sex and the bastardisation of what it is and can be. Disillusionment and return to truth, the the light of god onto the darkness of lies and falsehoods, is the only way home.
Illusion of control
The Demand that Life Should Satisfy Our Needs
Sex addicts typically justify their actions and believe their needs must be met. This belief, in turn, becomes a conscious or unconscious demand. “What I need and want,” the typical sex addict thinks, “I have to have. My desires need to be fulfilled if my life is going to be worth living. I don’t want to feel rejection. I want to be appreciated. Life should deliver the benefits I desire.”
The Illusion of Reassurance and Predictability
The addict comes to believe that “if the situation I set up happens, I’ll be somebody. I’ll be fulfilled. I’m the one who can define what will bring me fulfillment or prevent pain.” If the sexual situation provides the benefits that the addict wants and demands, there is a reassurance that he or she has the ability to make that situation happen anytime. In this way, the addict gains reassurance that life in general is tolerable. If I think I’m pulling the strings, then I can view life as predictable and safe. In effect, the sex addict creates an illusion that brings some fulfillment and definitely less relational pain—in the short run.
Physical orgasm does provide a welcome rush of adrenaline, but by itself it can only offer the brief illusion of intimacy and belonging. Again, the key to understanding addictive behavior is that sex addicts’ demand to have safety, control over relational pain, and satisfaction causes them to behave in ways that defy their own reason and values—often with disastrous consequences.
The addict believes in the illusion of control because he or she controls the illusion. “The centerfold will be everything I want her or him to be.” “The people I’m having affairs with will be cooperative and make me feel great.” Fantasy seems to be much safer than risking emotions in unpredictable relationships and suffering the pain that real intimacy can cause.
The Fall did not diminish our capacity for intimacy; it created a distortion and an agonizing disruption of intimacy. Each of us longs to break through the limitations of our existence into a blissful, unending intimacy with others. Such a dream cannot, however, be fulfilled. So we desensitize our hunger and thirst for the pre-fallen state by preoccupying ourselves with career, family, food, sex, leisure, and other distractions. But no diversion can richly satisfy our souls. Inner emptiness, the result of original sin, lies just below the surface of the illusions we create in order to cope with life.
The fantasies of a sex addict are feeble attempts to gain what only God is capable of giving, which we will experience partially on earth and fully in Heaven.
Justifications, lowering standards
The Habit of Rationalizing Behavior To create the illusion of intimate relationship, the addict begins to do things that are inconsistent with previously accepted personal standards and values. For example, lusting after a woman pictured in an intimate apparel catalog is contrary to what God wants a Christian man to do and be, but he may choose to do it anyway. Gradually his standards and values will erode, and his behavior may shift out of a gray area into a clearly destructive arena. But by the time that happens, he has developed rationalizations for his behavior. “How can anything that feels good be so bad? This fulfills a need in me. It makes my life fulfilling. Although I know it’s against what I really believe, I’m going to keep on doing it—even though it may hurt me and others I love.”
Such rationalizations, no matter how bizarre, appear logical to the sex addict. Examples I’ve heard include: “I only masturbate; I don’t go to prostitutes.” “I go to prostitutes, but I’d never do anything as disgusting as masturbation.” “I only go to high-class prostitutes.” “I go to prostitutes, but I’d never have an affair with my secretary.” “Yes, I do have some guilt and shame, but I’ve never molested a child.”
Self-Centered Behavior
Addicts’ actions are self-centered because at the moment they determine to become involved in a sexual act, the persistent drive to become involved in that behavior demonstrates a lack of concern for others. Addicts aren’t deeply concerned about the other people who are affected by their actions. Ultimately, meeting their own needs is most important.
Revenge, Control and Payback
A person who engages in addictive sexual behavior outside of a marital relationship frequently is getting even with the spouse for “being frigid,” “not being interested in sex,” “not accepting me the way I need to be accepted,” or a number of other reasons. One man who came to me for help said, “I feel very angry toward my wife as I drive to the prostitute.” Another man, a pastor, said, “When my wife is cold toward me, I always have my secretary.” The sex addict’s revenge is also played out toward the object or person who becomes the sexual focus. A subtle, underlying anger says, “You must give me what I need.” The situation is a setup. “I bought the magazine; the photos will give me what I need.” “I paid you this money; give me the sexual favors I need.” “I paid for this call; give me what I need in this conversation.” One woman said it this way: “When they pursue me for sex, I feel powerful. Once they are sexually aroused, I can say no and destroy them.” Another said, “Being wanted puts the control in my hands.”
Sexual language is a tremendous, subconscious indicator of revenge. Men who consider a woman’s beautiful appearance to be a threat or a weapon may frequently describe her as “a knockout,” “strikingly beautiful,” or “dressed to kill.” Some men who feel intimidated by a woman’s pretty appearance may think that her achievement is a result of sexual behavior. Therefore they believe that if they achieve a level of sexuality with pretty women, they too will gain power and control. If they can’t, they consider themselves failures. Then, feeling angry, resentful, humiliated, or shamed, they want to get even with women for what they perceive has been done to them. Through that revenge, they hope to regain a sense of potency or power.