Phase 1: Activation
I can’t help but cringe when my father speaks about certain topics. Especially when in front of an audience. I pinch my skin and grind my teeth. My standards of quality are so high that no fault goes unnoticed. If his ideas are weak, if his expression is off, or his delivery is poor it feels like I am about to implode. A weird mix of embarrassment and shame. Embarrassed to be his son, but shame for even experiencing such a critical mindset of my own flesh and blood. It’s brutal. Because he is both my hero and my shadow at any moment. And the most brutal thing is all my father has even done is it give it his best shot, provide for our family and make a career out of nothing. Am I the only son in the world that’s gone through this kind of torture?
Phase 2: Identification
Self-Identity:
Tarnished Offspring
Others-Identity:
Silly Fool
Jibber Jabber
Phase 3: Declaration
Feelings:
Embarrassment
Shame
Guilt
Cringe
Non-Feelings:
Respect
Results:
Hypercriticism
Depreciation of relationship
Emotional agony
Non-Results:
Celebration
Deep understanding
Calm acceptance
Actions:
Hardcore judgement
Brutal assessments
Denying another’s value
Non-Actions:
Celebrating my blood
Allowing others to be
Giving useful feedback
Being:
Mean
Vicious
Arrogant
Intolerant
Non-Beings:
Humility
Helpful
Useful
Phase 4: Creation
New Possibility:
Humility
New Identity:
Space Giver