No Bad Parts
Like the sun, the Self can be temporarily obscured, but it never disappears.
Other parts only blend when they are triggered—someone rejects us, and suddenly we are awash in shame; a driver cuts us off, and we’re flooded with rage; we have to prepare for a presentation, and we have a panic attack. We know that they’re overreactions, but we have no real idea as to why we get so upset. And because we never ask inside, we just go around thinking of ourselves as touchy, angry, or anxious people. It’s important to remember that regardless of how blended we are, the Self is still in there—it never goes away.
In ancient times, when there was a solar eclipse and it suddenly got dark because the moon blocked the sun, people would panic, believing the sun had disappeared. Like the sun, the Self can be temporarily obscured, but it never disappears. When the moon passes by or clouds dissipate, the sun shines as brightly as ever. Similarly, when parts unblend, the Self’s nourishing energy is readily available again and the parts are comforted to sense the presence of such a strong, loving inner leader.
Your protectors only see the protectors of others. Blended parts give us the projections, transferences, and other twisted views that are the bread and butter of psychotherapy. The Self’s view is unfiltered by those distortions. When we’re in Self, we see the pain that drives our enemies rather than only seeing their protective parts. Your protectors only see the protectors of others. The clarity of Self gives you a kind of X-ray vision, so you see behind the other person’s protectors to their vulnerability, and in turn your heart opens to them.
Self also senses the Self in everyone and, consequently, has a deep sense of connectedness, as well as a strong desire to connect to the Self of others. This sense of connectedness has a spiritual element to it that we’ll explore later in this book—we feel connected to Spirit, the Tao, God, Brahman, to the Big Self. We feel that because we are connected to it.
When we blend with burdened parts, we lose all sense of this connectedness and feel separate from one another and from spirit—alone and lonely. Here is another parallel between inner and outer systems. After they are burdened, our parts feel lonely and disconnected from one another and from our Self. They don’t realize they are all affected by what happens to each other and are loved by Self. Neither do we. Thus, finding blended parts and helping them trust that it’s safe to unblend is a crucial part of IFS.
As you might have discovered in the mapping exercise, the simple act of noticing parts and representing them on a page often creates enough separation from them (enough unblending) that you can have a different perspective on them. Like the view of a city from thirty thousand feet, you can see more clearly the roles they take on and how they operate as a system. Once you’re out of the trees, you can see the forest.
Not only can you see them better, it is easier to care about each of them when you are above, rather than in the middle of, their crossfires. When you unblend enough from the parts that hate your fear, for example, you suddenly see that it’s not a bundle of irrational neuroses but a frightened little child-like part who needs to be comforted. You have compassion for the little guy and want to hold rather than scold him. You find that holding parts actually works—you’re no longer plagued by fear.
Versions of Self