Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness. —Corrie ten Boom1
Theologian Frederick Buechner writes of our propensity to cling to unforgiveness, “Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back—in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.”13
Pay attention to what you discover about your relationship with money as you move through the forgiveness process. You may have a sense that as you forgive the people in your life you have more energy to actually pursue your goals. And in freeing up that energy, you travel with more ease down your hero’s path.
“When we cannot forgive, we have to ask, ‘Why is this?’” reflects Dickens Thunde, national director for World Vision International in Ghana. “We don’t have the right to write off anyone. God gave us a second chance. How can we not do the same for those who wrong us?” — Disullusionment
THE POWER TO FORGIVE It is empowering to know that you can forgive others. In our heart of hearts we want to be complete with everyone. It is a much easier road to travel. Being complete simply means knowing that all is well. They did and said what they did, and so did you. To forgive is to release the regrets of what is in the past. It is to know what it is to be who you really are, no longer using past hurts or misfortunes as an excuse.
Forgiveness involves two elements. First, you must forgive someone primarily for his or her sake and only secondarily for yours. You must be willing to see that you have held them in your mind, roasting on a spiritual spit for what they did. You must be tired of the dynamic created by your grievance. Second, you must be in touch with your characterization of the other person instead of brushing it off or trying to forget it. You will need to see your judgments, evaluations, anger, disgust, resentment, fear, and all other components of this structure of knowing. Why? You cannot let go of anything unless you are aware of it. When you are ready, experience the way forgiveness releases you. It will create the breathing room that allows you to look and see the supportive energy of other people all around you. This will ease your way toward your goals.
It may seem odd to you that forgiveness has anything at all to do with the energy of money. Forgiveness releases the energy that’s bound to judgments and assessments of people for what they did in the past, whether distant or recent. It’s a bit like splitting the bonds of an atom, and the net effect is movement and power on your path toward your dream. You will move more quickly on your path if you forgive. When you forgive someone, you dismantle your structures of knowing about him or her. You lay down your weapons and armor and proceed onward. You lighten up. If ever there were an act of courage, this is it. As Laurence Sterne said: “Only the brave know how to forgive.” — energy of Money
THE POWER OF LETTING GO Forgiveness occurs when you systematically lay aside conclusions you have reached about other people and the motivations for their actions. It begins and ends with your own structures of knowing. Most of us are confident that what we know about others is accurate. This is especially true when we’re angry or displeased with them. Social psychologists will tell you that it’s instinctual for us to attribute negative intentions to the behavior of others, especially when we don’t like what they’ve done.
Role Reversal: by standing in the shoes of those we resent, and playing out scenes of their reality, we dismantle the strut tyre and release the energy. Observance here is the pathway to letting go.
To forgive, you must take two big steps: First, you must look directly at your evaluations, judgments, and catalogued scenarios about the person. You take stock of the thoughts and feelings going on inside you when they come to mind, and you examine what you have said to yourself and others about them. Second, you must become willing to relinquish the permission you give yourself to entertain those thoughts, feelings, and judgments ever again. Every time you hear Monkey Mind whisper, “But he really is a jerk!” you say: “Thanks for sharing, but I have already forgiven this person.”
A declaration of acceptance, appreciation or forgiveness of this person — once the dismantling has took place — enables the choice to move forward and step into new realms of being.
WHAT WE SAY ABOUT OTHERS Begin your act of forgiveness by answering the following questions: Whom would you need to forgive in order to have a powerful relationship with money? Whom do you secretly blame for your misfortunes in life? Whom do you hold responsible for your money problems? The answer is not “me”! Resist the temptation to blame yourself or to fall into the trap of thinking that you have consciously chosen everything that has happened to you. This is no time to be noble, self-effacing, or co-dependent. Tell the truth. Who do you feel did you harm? What has he or she done?
Money
Father - didn’t teach me or guide my authentic talent.
Long Pooles - their flashy lifestyle belittles my money situation and self esteem. Blaming them for making the money game feel rigged.
Deakin - fleeced me of 5 years and $75,000. No hard skills or ROI.
These people have plenty of evidence for their assumptions. As you listen to their stories, you might be tempted to agree with them about the character of the transgressor. You could add insights of your own about the nature and motivations of those who hurt them. We all do this, whether it is at the dinner table or the coffee room at work. But let’s look a little closer to see what’s really going on here. Ruined my hopes … shattered my dreams … cramped my style … jealous and dependent … these are all structures of knowing. They are metaphors permeated with thoughts, feelings, attitudes, states of mind, points of view, and memories. You can almost sense their weight and feel how much energy is invested in developing them and keeping them alive. These structures are also being used as reasons, justifications, or excuses for the speakers’ failures or broken promises. From what you’ve already learned about structures of knowing, you can see that it’s time to dismantle them. As long as they’re in place, their owners will be sitting by the wayside—something none of us wants to do—instead of advancing down their paths with greater ease. The structures of knowing we just saw were negative, pointing to the other person’s shortcomings. They carry the speaker’s sense of finality, even resignation, about the situation. We call these structures of knowing characterizations.
The characterization is a Monkey Mind-initiated/created pattern of unrelated incidents. Over time the characterization of the person becomes more and more detailed, and anything that doesn’t fit—like Elise’s kindness or high energy and enthusiasm—falls out of the grid. The characterization becomes increasingly two-dimensional, and like the villain in your favorite novel, it comes to life, haunting your waking hours and popping up unexpectedly in your dreams.
I only see guys like Dom, Morph, Matt as guys who’ll make me feel and look less than them, like a loser and a failure. Or by being friends with Dewy, Leo, Rapke also makes me feel like a loser. I exit relationships based on how they make me feel about myself, and how they make me feel is based on characterisations.
Characterizations are contagious. When you describe the one you have about Elise to others who know her, they may start to agree with you. They might even add their own stories. They call out to everyone to join in. During the You and Money Course, when a participant talks about someone with whom he or she has a grievance, everyone gets angry for them. If the object of the characterization were to enter the room at that moment, almost everyone there would react coldly—even though they’d never met the person before!
I’ve been on the other end of this. Sophie, Az, Northside days. Feeling like a loser, a nobody, bad guy villain in the presence of others. They made me want flee also.
Finally, and this happens to all of us, we get to the point of relating only to our characterization, rather than to the person. It is a lonely prospect. We don’t want to be around him or her because we cannot tolerate being present with our own negative thoughts and feelings. It is too uncomfortable, mostly because it is not within our Standards of Integrity to keep such characterizations alive. It’s not that we don’t like who they are; we don’t like who we are in the presence of that person. Our negativity becomes our burden. How does all of this affect Elise? She knows you’re not happy with her. She may not know why. Becoming wary or weary around you, Elise may avoid you, sensing that all is not well. This is not a blueprint for empowering relationships!
Everyone has structures of knowing about other people. But while you can’t keep the thoughts from arising, you can observe and tell the truth about them. You can be willing, if only for a moment, to see your characterizations as irrelevant.
But when you give up permission to dance with your characterizations, they no longer shape you. As you forgive, you stop the process of being trapped in what you fear and dislike. You liberate yourself from the hold the old structures had on you. You become your own person. And you release the people you’ve forgiven to continue on with their own lives.
What do you fear about this person? What does your fear say about you?
Dom: I fear looking like a chump. Poorer, Weaker, dumber. Easily dumped or ignored as other woman flock to him. My fear says I’m highly insecure and intimidated, as he has the trimmings and aesthetics to overshadow and drown out my light.
FORGIVENESS: AUTHENTIC ACTION FOR THE COURAGEOUS HEART Through forgiveness you get in touch with who you are in your heart. Your movement toward forgiveness is first expressed as being willing to forgive. Remember, being willing is the most powerful Authentic Action you can take. The moment you are willing, you are able to draw a distinction between your Monkey Mind and your heart. You may not want to forgive. You may be afraid to forgive. Many thoughts and feelings may course through your body and mind as you contemplate laying aside your most closely held beliefs. But even with all these potential discomforts, being willing transcends the mental and emotional stuff of our minds. It is a powerful stand to take, albeit somewhat scary. That’s because we’re then operating outside our structures of knowing.
Forgiveness happens at the moment you are willing to forgive. It starts in the metaphysical domain and moves into the physical one very quickly. The metaphysical domain is timeless. The moment you declare you are willing to forgive someone, they are forgiven. That’s it! No lag time. It is done. No magical formulas to recite over and over again in hopes that you will finally forgive the person or situation. Nothing to work on. The answer to the question “Are you willing to forgive this person?” is either “Yes” or “No.” Answers such as “I’ll try,” “Maybe,” “I think so,” and “Yeah, I guess” are really “No”s in convincing disguises.
People have asked me whether they need to forgive themselves before they can forgive anyone else, and the answer is no. If you look at your characterizations of yourself, you will find that ultimately you hold others responsible for your “faults.” This is true for most of us, even when we think we have already taken responsibility for our own shortcomings. And even if that were not true for you, forgiving another person is much more powerful and far-reaching than forgiving yourself. Forgiveness allows you to let go of the ties that have bound the other person to you in a negative way. In doing so, you set them free and take a stand that your judgments about others will no longer weigh you down. One of the oldest spiritual teachings in the world is that as you forgive, you will be forgiven.
MARILYN: I just knew my sister was childish and irresponsible. She’d owed me $800 for at least five years. She didn’t give any signs that she was going to pay it back. I didn’t want to, but I saw that I was willing to forgive her—to let go of all the things I’ve said about her in the past, to myself and others. One week after forgiving her, the strangest thing happened. She called me to talk. About ten minutes into the conversation she said, “You know that $800 I owe you? I’d like to begin paying you back now. I can see I’ve been irresponsible in letting it go for so long.” Even stranger was my own reaction. I was thankful to get the money. But it wouldn’t really have mattered if she’d paid me back or not. I felt like we were getting close again, like in the old days.
FORGIVENESS IS YOUR BUSINESS People often ask, “Should I tell someone that I’ve forgiven them?” Think about it for a moment. If I walked up to you and announced, “I have forgiven you,” what would your probable response be? Right. Something like “What for?” You might feel defensive, because to explain what I’ve forgiven I have to pull up all the elements of my old characterization of you—the one I’d sworn to let go! Announcing how I’d forgiven you could convey my hidden agenda. The unspoken message might be “You’re a terrible person who did horrible things. You need to be forgiven because you were such a jerk to me, and I’m just proving what a good person I am by forgiving you in spite of it all.” That’s why we get a hollow feeling in the pit of our stomachs when someone tells us they have forgiven us. We may feel a moment of guilt for some unknown transgression that we are about to be reminded of. Resentment follows. It’s pure Monkey Mind.
Great reason NOT to share your simulations or stacks. Keep your stuff private. The universe accounts for your work you do on yourself, and if done properly, doesn't require the cajoling of others.
The bottom line is that it is irrelevant, and a mistake, to tell someone you have forgiven them. After all, forgiveness is being willing to let go of what you have said about someone. It does not require even a single word from them to complete this process and bring you a sense of closure. MEG: I remember after forgiving my brother, I had an occasion to have dinner with him. After a few moments of embarrassed silence, I found myself asking for his forgiveness for all the times I had been mean to him! He was so surprised. He started to cry!
If you want to get more than your money’s worth from simulations, practice forgiveness regularly. Notice how this affects your personal and business relationships. Are you more energized as you go for your goals? More imprinting. The act of asking another for forgiveness is the ultimate pathway to forgiving them and getting back your viral energy.
Excercise:
Try it. You are actaully guilt tripping yourself, it just doesn;t seem like that.
Write 10 things that you are genuienly cut up about regarding your own actions, be specific and ask for forgivessness. We fear this action, because it implies 'guilt' in the eyes of the court and judges, so we avoid it to not die, be killed or lose our life. So we hide our hearts to save our face. Ironically, there is only one judge. And it's god, and if your heart is clean, the rest takes care of itself.
there is the parallel invitation to seek forgiveness when we have been the offender. Jesus paired the ideas of giving and receiving forgiveness when He taught His disciples to pray, “Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.”
If in the course of our worship, or our Kingdom-expanding work, we realize we have wronged someone, God charges us to immediately initiate a process of reconciliation and restoration. We may be called to pastor a church or lead a ministry, but more fundamentally we are called to be “Christ’s ambassadors:”20 to represent Him well. One way we do that is by admitting when we haven’t. It’s deeply humbling to confess that our actions or inaction has harmed another. That we have fallen short, offered a distorted reflection of our God, and hurt each other—with or without intention. But in these inevitable moments, the most powerful thing we can do, for ourselves and for a watching world, is to humbly seek forgiveness.
Excercise: Character Dialoguing. Yes And No. Clear Choice.
The answer to these questions is either “Yes” or “No.” Remember, a “Maybe,” “I think so,” “I’ll try,” or any other vague or qualifying answer counts as a “No.” Qualifications do not come from your heart. If they occur, it is a sign that you are not yet ready to forgive that person. But be aware that you may need to have room to say “No, I’m not willing to forgive this person” before you can have the space to give an authentic “Yes.” It’s the same with choosing anything in this process. Clear yes or clear no. Maybes are nothing - psychology of money
Whether you have answered “Yes” or “No” to any of the questions, the fact you have brought this person to sit in front of you says that you are willing for some healing to take place between the two of you … We sometimes need room to say no before we can say yes … As a matter of fact, whether you said “Yes” or “No,” your heart is open to them. There may be something you want to tell them from your heart right now … This person is here for you right now. So what I’d like you to do is open your heart and just tell them everything that’s there for you to say. Say it all as though you may never see them again. (Pause for fifteen seconds.) And now, because this person is sitting in front of you, there may be some things they want to tell you from their heart. Just be willing to hear what they have to say. Give them room to say it. Just listen. (Pause for fifteen seconds.)
Post Session
You may still have “No” answers for one or more of the above questions. If this is so, ask yourself when you would be willing to do this exercise again. A persistent “No” might indicate that some specific counseling on the matter is needed. Above all, this is a time for compassion for yourself. If you have answered “Yes,” what do you see? Is there an opening for a conversation with that person that was not present before? Do you notice a shift in your energy level? If so, what is it? Learning to forgive is an ability that, with practice, will become easier for you. At the same time, you’ll become more and more aware of people whom you have not yet forgiven. This awareness will stick with you until you act upon it and heal the relationship. Finally, you may discover after doing this exercise that it’s time for you to make contact with this person. Is there a letter you want to write to him or her? A phone call you want to make?
The people who choose to live without offense will enjoy great peace. However, those who allow offenses to pile up within them will not know peace. These people are troubled in mind and spirit. But the people who live without offense have great and lasting peace in their lives. I had to draw a line in the sand and decide that someone would have to work hard in order to offend me. If you want to offend me, it’s going to have to be a deliberate and serious offense. And my plan, even then, is to get over it! Being unoffendable is living a lifestyle of forgiveness. It’s making the same choice over and over again to not hold on to offense. — 9 test, Offense … similar to “Never Take Things Personally” - Four Agreements the next time you have a reason to be offended, pass the test by refusing to take the opportunity, because the greater your ability to avoid offense, the more God can use you.