TRACKING DOWN THE INNER CRITIC A second way to expose the shaming voices comes from Gestalt therapy. I simply call it “tracking down the inner critic.” An inner, self-critical dialogue goes on in all shame-based people. This game has been called the “self-torture” game. It is almost always so habitual that it is unconscious. The following exercise will help you make it more conscious and give you tools to become more self-integrating and self-accepting. I’ve taken this exercise from the book Awareness, by John O. Stevens. Exercise Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Imagine that you are looking at yourself, sitting in front of you. Form some kind of visual image of yourself sitting there in front of you, perhaps as if reflected in a mirror. How is this image sitting? What is this image wearing? What kind of facial expression do you see? Now silently criticize this image of yourself as if you were talking to another person. (If you are doing this experiment alone, talk out loud.) Tell yourself what you should and shouldn’t do. Begin each sentence with the words, “You should _____” or “You shouldn’t ____” or their equivalent. Make a long list of criticisms. Listen to your voice as you do this. Now imagine that you change places with this image. Become this image of yourself and silently answer these criticisms. What do you say in response to these critical comments? And what does the tone of your voice express? How do you feel as you respond to these criticisms? Now switch roles and become the critic again. As you continue this internal dialogue, be aware of what you say and also how you say it: your words, your tone of voice and so on. Pause occasionally to listen to your own words and let yourself experience them. Switch roles whenever you want, but keep the dialogue going. Notice all the details of what is going on inside you as you do this. Notice how you feel, physically, in each role. Do you recognize anyone you know in the voice that criticizes you and says, “You shouldn’t ____”? What else are you aware of in this interaction? Continue this silent dialogue for a few minutes longer. Do you notice any changes as you continue the dialogue? Now just sit quietly and review this dialogue. Probably you experience some kind of split or conflict, some division between a powerful, critical, authoritative part of you that demands that you change, and another less powerful part of you that apologizes, evades and makes excuses. It is as though you are divided into a parent and a child. The parent, or “top dog,” is always trying to get control to change you into something “better,” while the child, or “underdog,” is continually evading these attempts to change. As you listened to the voice that criticized and made demands on you, you may have recognized that it sounded like one of your parents. Or it might have sounded like someone else in your life who makes demands on you, i.e., your husband or wife, a boss or some other authority figure who controls you. This critical voice can be activated in any situation of vulnerability or exposure. Once activated, a shaming spiral is set in motion. And once in motion, this spiral has a power of its own. It is imperative to externalize this internal dialogue, since it is one of the major ways you keep yourself non-self-accepting and divided. This exercise helps make the critical dialogue conscious. This is a first step in externalizing the voice. The second step is to take each of the critical messages and translate them into a concrete specific behavior. Instead of “You are selfish,” say “I didn’t want to do the dishes.” Instead of “You are stupid,” say “I do not understand algebra.” Each critical statement is a generalization. As such, it is untrue. There are some times when everyone wants his own way. There are areas in life in which everyone is confused. By translating these generalizations (judgments, conditions of worth) into concrete, specific behaviors, you can see a real picture of yourself and accept yourself in a more balanced and integrated way. The third step is to take these generalizations (judgments, conditions of worth) and make positive statements that contradict them. For example, instead of saying, “I am selfish,” say, “I am unselfish,” or, “Most of the time I’m unselfish.” It is important to verbalize this and hear yourself saying it. I recommend going to someone—a person in your support group, your best friend, your husband or wife—and verbalizing the positive, self-affirming statement to him or her. Be sure that the person you go to is a nonshaming person.